In my mind, I associate I-Statements with assertiveness in that they are both telltale signs of a communicator who is thinking before they act. It is not always easy to take personal responsibility for the feelings we express and the words we speak. More often, people tend to distance themselves from their criticism by way of terms like, “We all think that..”, and, “Wouldn’t it be better if..”
It may seem as though we are avoiding hurting the others feelings, but what instead happens is our partner is left confused. The full force of our feelings was not appropriately reflected in our choice of phrasing, therefore spoiling an opportunity to give constructive and meaningful criticism. By using “I” statements we maximize our opportunity to be assertive by adding a personal point to our message, the result of which is a far more effective long-term strategy for dealing with conflict.
-Ben
Wouldn’t it be better if… .” In my family it sounded more like, “Have you considered… .” This chapter has been challenging for me because I was taught that too many “I” statements made the speaker sound self-centered. I can see how using “I” statements could help with communicators that have a tendency toward attacking with “you” statements, or those that hover in land of emotional detachment-“Most people in these circumstances…”- but I still see a potential for overuse that no one seems to have recognized. Have you ever had a conversation with someone when all they talk about is “I”, “I”, “I” ? It is enough to make you run for the quickest escape. At the risk of disagreeing with the text, I think that a more useful application would be to know when to use “we”, “you” and “I” respectively.
ReplyDeleteI think what you said about using our true feelings as a way to be more effective in the long-run is true. people will be more likely to take into account what hurts you, angers you, ect if they know that it truly had an impact because you admit to being hurt by their actions. I know if someone doesn't always tell me that something i said hurts them, i don't always know to be wary of repeating those actions.
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